I recently participated in a conference where I was shocked by the boorish behavior of a colleague's tween daughter.  Let's call her Jane.  A beautiful, well spoken child, Jane decided that instead of joining the children in her age group, she preferred to sit with the adults.  I don't recall where Jane's mother was, or if Jane's mother signed off on this act of rebellion.  

    Jane quietly chatted with a mother whose children attend the same school that she does.  Initially, Jane's presence proved slightly helpful as she involved herself in our task; however, Jane's well intentioned efforts soon began to hinder our well structured process.  It wasn't Jane's help that was a hindrance, it was her attitude.  

    After graciously thanking her for her assistance, a few of the moms encouraged Jane to join her age group for its activities and events.  Jane flatly refused.  She stated that it would be "boring"and she would prefer to stay and help the mothers.  The refusal was delivered in the form of a statement, suggesting that whether or not to attend the activities was her decision to make.  The mom with whom she had the closest relationship said nothing.  The other parents looked on in amazement, our eyes sharing that knowing glance that parents share in the presence of an insolent child.  The glance that says, "Oh, no she didn't!  Jane is a piece of work!"  Jane then proceeded to interject her comments into adult conversations until one of the mothers raised her voice and demanded that Jane leave the adult group and join the children.  After a bit of whining and pouting, the friend-mom suggested to Jane that perhaps it was time that she join the other children.  Jane grudgingly obliged.

 
    At the same conference, I chatted with a friend who shared that her teenage niece had a recurring cold sore that appeared on her lip.  Gross, right?  It wasn't the cold sore itself that concerned my friend, but the possible cause of the cold sore.  Out of love and concern, my friend suggested to her sister that perhaps her niece had received the cold sore from her involvement with a boy.  If I were writing this, a thought bubble would appear that says, "This is a black diamond slippery slope!  Proceed with caution if you're only a blue skier!"  The child's mother was outraged and refused to even consider what her sister was suggesting.  In my friend's words, "she shut it down completely.  And now she's mad at me for suggesting it."

    The next day, I witnessed a young man at the ATM who could barely input his access code because he held papers in one hand and had to stop and adjust his baggy jeans with his other hand every three seconds, his underwear clearly visible.  
    
    These incidents got me thinking about proper behavior and how tweens and teens today are being raised.  Are insolence, rudeness, promiscuity and low self esteem the established norm?

  Although I don't get it, I understand that the baggy pants are the style fad preferred by today's youth.  As a parent, I also understand that parents must pick and choose the battles that they fight with their children.  When my son was four, he sometimes wore his Mr. Incredible Halloween costume to the mall in June.  I allowed it because I saw no harm in him wearing the costume.  Is that how teen boys are able to get out of the house with their pants hanging down their butts, because parents see no harm in it?  

    As a tween/teen, I listened to plenty of adult conversations pretending to be engrossed in a book, magazine or television program.  I knew more family secrets than ought to be allowed!  On one of my innocent spy missions, I learned that one of my cousins was adopted before he did, but I knew better than to share this secret intelligence.  "Children should be seen and not heard" was the mantra playing in my head.  As I matured, my advice was often solicited on various things, but I knew when it was appropriate to offer my advice to adults.  And if told to leave the presence of the adults, I would disappear like a vapor, whether I wanted to or not.  I respected adults and knew that my parents would be involved if my behavior was insolent or inappropriate.   

    We often hear that it "takes a village to raise a child." However, when the village speaks up, sometimes the children ignore the voice of the village and so do the parents.  The sister mentioned above who can't fathom that her sixteen year old daughter might be kissing a boy is living in a fantasy world.    

    At the same conference, a seven year old boy was helping himself to a glass of lemonade from the dispenser.  Watching him fill his cup, my "mom gene" kicked in and I thought to myself that he'd probably had enough lemonade.  As if reading my mind, his mom came from behind and told him to pour it out.  Then she proceeded to gently remind the mothers standing in line waiting for lemonade that we should have stopped him.  "It takes a village, moms," she laughed.  "One of you should have asked him if his mom knew he was having more lemonade.  We have to look out for each other.  Don't just let the kids fill up on lemonade.  Stop them.  Have my back!  It takes a village!" she scolded gently.  She was so right.  I should have spoken up and told him that if he were still thirsty, he could have water.  That's what I would have said to my own son.  

    I think that's the problem.  Tweens and teens in the village are not being taught that the adults in the village are the voice of authority.  In some schools, children call the teachers by their first name.  How do you garner respect as an authority figure when a child is calling you by your first name like you're the child's friend?  Children need established boundaries and lines of demarcation.  Similarly, adults in the village are fearful to speak up for fear that their concerns will be shot down, first by the child and then by the parent.  So instead, adults mind their own business and bite their tongues.  The adults become the collective village mute.  

    In my series, one of the girls has an eating disorder.  When her friends find out, instead of agreeing to keep her secret, one of them tells her mom who calls the girl's parents.  Some might view this as a betrayal in the friendship, but I wrote this into my story to encourage girls to embrace the village concept.  Tell!  Speak up!  Talk!  Don't keep secrets that could be harmful!  
    
    The Black Diamond Series' girls are always respectful to adults, and they respect themselves by setting boundaries with boys and with each other regarding how they respect their treasured friendship bond.  Respect can't be manufactured when needed; it must be nurtured, modeled and earned.  It's the way it should be.  Are you giving and receiving respect in your village?